Build Date: Thu Dec 26 10:00:13 2024 UTC
PS: Don't let him freeze your head while you're still alive.
-- Snatcher
Gonzo ToothBrush Tech
2000-06-16 20:43:10
21st century technology transforms the world of dental hygiene, as unsuspecting users find they've purchased not just an electic toothbrush -- but the InterPlak RTB2.
This crazy-sophisticated piece of dental engineering comes complete with the RTB2 Instruction Manual, a technical document cautioning technology novices not to misuse the power in its circuitry. Heed well its warning about activating the InterPlak RTB2. "[E]specially when children are present, basic safety precautions should be followed."
Humanity's pact with the technical world takes a sinister turn when it cautions about a series of important hypotheticals. Home users are reminded not to reach for the re-charging cord if it's fallen into a tub of water while still plugged in.
In addition....
• Do not use while bathing.• Never use while sleeping or drowsy.
• Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children or invalids.
• Individuals with heart problems should check with their physician prior to using the RTB2, and should always exercise particular care with any oral hygiene device.
Okay, granted, some of the instructions are bureaucratic overkill. The first step, charging the power supply, reminds users to first "Be sure the electrical outlet is functioning." And step three -- "Apply toothpaste...and put brush head in mouth" -- probably is a little obvious. But if you think you've bought an innocent electrical gizmo, you're mistaken. "This equipment generates, uses, and can radiate radio frequency energy and if not installed and used in accordance with instructions, may cause harmful interference to radio communications." MacGyver could use it to jam spy transmissions.
By the way, casual users shouldn't mess with a different brand of battery. "Explosion may occur if other type battery is replaced."
The powerful dynamo also "should not be placed in municipal waste systems." Further down it explains that under various state and local laws, "it is illegal to dispose of this battery into our municipal waste stream. Please call 1-800-8-BATTERY for information."
After perusing the RTB2 manual, it becomes clear that the Feds are riding rough-shod over the rights of Americans who want to keep and bear dental equipment. There's even a full page on how the RTB2 complies with FCC restrictions on electric-powered toothbrushing devices. In this day and age AOL can merge with Time-Warner into a world-dominating monopoly -- but just try marketing an unauthorized toothbrushing device and see how far you get.
At this point you're probably saying "For cripes sakes, its a toothbrush -- not a lifestyle choice." But don't be a Luddite. Try to catch the beat of the new world brush...
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
