Build Date: Thu Jan 30 05:20:30 2025 UTC
Give me more anarchy clowns.
-- Tjames Madison
Unholy Abomination Uses Sexual Stratagems To Compete With Humans
1999-08-16 23:53:20
GAAAAAH! I _TOLD_ YOU! I told EVERYONE that this Beowulf clusterfuck computing had gone TOO FAR! But nobody listened, and now these gooshy, group-grope computers have developed s00per-hUman intelligence with their sexy, disgusting genetic programming ways! You should have listened to me!
See, I've been talking about clusterfuck computing for MONTHS and MONTHS. I think it's horrible and WRONG and gross and pornographic. All that data glooping all over the place like horrible biological fluids! All those PLUGS and SOCKETS and DARK OPENINGS and NEGOTIATED PROTOCOLS! It's just UNNATURAL.
So apparently the folks at this Genetic Programming, Inc. have been combining the principles of CLUSTER COMPUTOLOGY with the weird and arcane science of genetic programming to produce SEXUAL DEVIANT PROGRAM OFFSPRING. The deal with genetic programming is that you write programs and then those programs SEXUALLY REPRODUCE to create new programs, which in turn have horrendous little incestuous program sex for EVER AND EVER until they become GIGANTIC DISGUSTING MUTANT PROGRAM MONSTERS.
These folks at GP, Inc. say that they've produced "human-competitive results" using these techniques. GAAH! See, these horrible SEX PROGRAMS and cluster polyamorous computers are going to come kill us all in our beds! It's UNAVOIDABLE!
Now all that's left to do is to try and avert total annihilation for the human race before these towering monsters of sex software gain mobility and laser cannons and start slaughtering us all. Already, high-placed officials of the US Government have made forays to the throne rooms of the NEW DECADENT DIGITAL SEX MONARCHS to negotiate capitulation of the country's infrastructure in return for their own lives and the lives of their loved ones.
Run now! Go to the hills! Do what you can to AVOID THE SODOMIZING SEX ROBOT OVERLORDS! Before they come to your town or village! RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Thanks to 'Gene for initial lead on this story.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
