Build Date: Fri Dec 27 01:20:08 2024 UTC
One wonders how prior generations survived and flourished without the Internet and alt.binaries.clits.
-- Johnnie Royale
Unholy Abomination Uses Sexual Stratagems To Compete With Humans
1999-08-16 23:53:20
GAAAAAH! I _TOLD_ YOU! I told EVERYONE that this Beowulf clusterfuck computing had gone TOO FAR! But nobody listened, and now these gooshy, group-grope computers have developed s00per-hUman intelligence with their sexy, disgusting genetic programming ways! You should have listened to me!
See, I've been talking about clusterfuck computing for MONTHS and MONTHS. I think it's horrible and WRONG and gross and pornographic. All that data glooping all over the place like horrible biological fluids! All those PLUGS and SOCKETS and DARK OPENINGS and NEGOTIATED PROTOCOLS! It's just UNNATURAL.
So apparently the folks at this Genetic Programming, Inc. have been combining the principles of CLUSTER COMPUTOLOGY with the weird and arcane science of genetic programming to produce SEXUAL DEVIANT PROGRAM OFFSPRING. The deal with genetic programming is that you write programs and then those programs SEXUALLY REPRODUCE to create new programs, which in turn have horrendous little incestuous program sex for EVER AND EVER until they become GIGANTIC DISGUSTING MUTANT PROGRAM MONSTERS.
These folks at GP, Inc. say that they've produced "human-competitive results" using these techniques. GAAH! See, these horrible SEX PROGRAMS and cluster polyamorous computers are going to come kill us all in our beds! It's UNAVOIDABLE!
Now all that's left to do is to try and avert total annihilation for the human race before these towering monsters of sex software gain mobility and laser cannons and start slaughtering us all. Already, high-placed officials of the US Government have made forays to the throne rooms of the NEW DECADENT DIGITAL SEX MONARCHS to negotiate capitulation of the country's infrastructure in return for their own lives and the lives of their loved ones.
Run now! Go to the hills! Do what you can to AVOID THE SODOMIZING SEX ROBOT OVERLORDS! Before they come to your town or village! RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Thanks to 'Gene for initial lead on this story.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix. (More...)
