Build Date: Sat Dec 21 13:00:28 2024 UTC
Your atomic vector plotter seem to have ran out of strong Darjeeling, and starts picking up crosstalk from alternative
reality branches.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Assman Better Have My Money!
1999-08-16 13:18:40
Mr. Bad asks, "Can someone be an Assman if they don't call themselves 'Assman'?" Sure, this may not seem an important distinction, any more than calling a Mennonite "Amish," but it's CRUCIAL to the Assmen themselves. And sometimes, you're an Assman and you don't even know it...
"Christine is a big Assman," Mr. Bad continues. "Like real big. An assmaniacal."
We concur. From the opening KEWL ASSZ MIDI TOON to the javascript ".u.r. entering . christine's . cryb" message, to the GETTIN' JIGGY WIT JESUS links, this page is about as Assy as you can possibly get without being explicit in your statement of Assitude.
Christine, you see, is a Korean girl who writes like a 3LIt3 wAR3Z d00d, SHOUTZ OUT to evry1 wut zup, herez da 411 of diz AZZMAN N TRAENIN':
"obviously i'm an asian and prrrroud of it! hehe, yea, me full blooded -baek puh'cent- Korean, and it seems as tho da FOB world is da newest azn invazn out here. yupyup, whether iss da clothes, or da muzix, or da talk and wateba els dere may be, getting in touch wit pop culture and style is DEFINITELY kikkin in."
OK. Maybe it's unfair to pick out a page like this and just say "ASSMAN! You're an ASSMAN! ADMIT IT!" But there you have it. The Assman knows no mercy. Christine, you're an Assman. Sign up now.
It's not a bad thing. It's an Ass thing. And we need to keep you people quarantined from the rest of us. OK?
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)