So, if you haven't heard already, there's a big hullabaloo about online toy retailer Etoys.com. They are the undisputed Kings of SUCKASS! They took the crazy Krafwerkian eurotrash art group etoy.com to court for having a name SIMILAR to theirs. Let us punish them with ELECTRONIC FRONTIER JUSTICE!

I pointed out the similarity between their names earlier this year. The shitty thing is that by all the previous standards, etoy.com should be able to KEEP their name. They got on the Web in 1995, two years before the toy company. They BRILLIANTLY decided to get a trademark on their name. And, they've held onto the name through several InterNIC challenges.

But etoys.com are typical EBUSINESS SHITHEADS who will stop at nothing to accumulate more USELESS REAL ESTATE for their stupid online toystore. People like this are the reason the pages of "Upside" should be coated with contact poison! I'm serious!

Because check this out: etoys.com went to a JUDGE and said that the art group was abusing the etoy.com brand, and therefore was hurting the ETOYS.COM brand. And the brain-dead judge bought it! GodDAMN! What a fucking MORON! I wouldn't let that judge arbitrate my DRY CLEANING BILL!

Anywho, that's the basics. Just remember: etoys.com is bad. etoy.com is eurotrash Dieter bald guys, but basically OK. If you want more info, there's lots of good stories that go into this deal in a lot of detail, like:

• The Slashdot Story
• Toy War
• Evil Toy
• RTMark's etoy.com coverage

Now, the important thing is this: what are WE, Bad People of the Future, going to do about it? There's a lot of people that are writing complaining LETTERS to the etoys.com execs, but I doubt those ultratan LA Lexus folks read their own email. AND, most of the letters that I've seen excerpts of say things like, "YOU ARE THE MOST DUM!!1! STOP IT!!@!" which doesn't really serve to convince a CEO to retract their lawsuit.

There's other folks who are calling for a BOYCOTT of etoys.com. Again, that's a good idea in theory, but seriously: when you think about it, the set {Eurotrash artist etoy.com supporters} and the set {AOL-using grandma etoys.com customer} have a TEENY WEENY intersection. Etoys.com isn't going to go out of business from lost sales to artists, Webzinesters, freedom activists and hacker d00ds. It just isn't going to happen.

And, the thing is for an Internet company, who CARES how much sales you have? It doesn't matter in the SLIGHTEST if a dot-com makes a SINGLE GODDAMN DOLLAR or sells a SINGLE "Toy Story 2" collectible figurine! Dot-coms don't care about money! They throw it away by the bucketload!

BUT, there IS one natural resource that's more precious than gold to a Web exec, and that's PROGRAMMERS. Web developers, production engineers, software gurus, system admins are REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT to find and hire. This is a GIGANTIC CRISIS for Web dickwads and "Upside" readers that they fret over a lot. If they don't have engineers, they can't put up dumb new features on their stupid Web sites, and if they can't put up dumb new features they can't get their stock to increase, and if their stock doesn't increase they all go BROKE and HOMELESS and have to EAT the BOILED LEATHER UPHOLSTERY of their LEXUS SUVs!! It's HORRIBLE!

So, the BEST THING that YOU can do to convince etoys.com to drop this stupid lawsuit is to QUIT your SHITTY JOB THERE. Let's just assume that you work at etoys.com for a second. First, if you've been there for more than 10 minutes, you can TOTALLY find another job with another Web company. It's SPECTACULARLY EASY to find Web jobs right now. You will PROBABLY get a 25% increase in salary if you jump to another company. I don't know why! But that's the way it works! It's really fucking great.

If you quit your job at etoys.com, I, Mr. Bad, will personally help you find a job. There are BUNCHES of people like me out here who want you to quit and will get you a good gig somewhere else. DO it, d00d!

Second, it's a chance to show that FUCKER Bob in Marketing that he can't push tech guys around any more! All those ASSHOLES and SUITS and FAKE MOTHERFUCKERS who wear polo shirts and act all EFFICIENT and GUNG HO to your face, but then turn around and CHEAT you on your stock options and DOPE SLAP the Web community that made you and them what you are -- man, FUCK THEM! Fuck ALL of them! Fuck them over HARD! Quit your job, let all their dumb retail ecommerce gar gar gar blaggity-blah programs go CRASHING to the GROUND because you're not there to fix them. It's EASY. You'll have a BETTER JOB within a WEEK. HAR!

Third, this is probably your ONLY CHANCE to ever quit a company because of something you believe in. It's your time to WALK PROUD, programmer-guy-or-gal! In a grand tradition of protest and freedom, you will STRIDE with the GIANTS! This is your moment in the sun, the time you'll look back on and say, "I stood up for something. I made a difference. And it was really easy and painless!" Won't that be GREAT!? Won't you be just the KING of your local geek crew!? Your grandchildren will admire you! Slashdot will PROFILE you. It's just the BEST.

Now, I know what you're saying: "I don't work for etoys.com." Well, fucking DUH. Go tell a friend who DOES work there! OR, go to the Jobs@eToys Web page and APPLY for a job, THEN, when they tell you to come in for an interview, tell them to go fuck themselves with an ARMY BOOT! Do something TODAY, because we have to tell etoys.com and all the other INTERNET ENTREPRENEUR BASTARDOS that they can't build an economy based on computer geeks and then BETRAY every principle that those geeks hold dear. It just CAN'T HAPPEN. We can't let them DO IT! Use the leverage you have as a Web genius and DO SOMETHING NOW!

[Also: if anyone knows the real name of the asshole in Marketing -- and I know there is one -- send it to me so I can add it to this story, eh?]

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punchbowl@pigdog.org