I Have Something To Tell You...
2002-06-28 20:05:25
Picture this. You're in a Hallmark store, looking for exactly the right card to send to your mother. Nothing's working for you, and you're running out of options. Then you yank the last card out of the rack. On the front it's got a soft-focus photograph of two babies kissing a kitten, and there are also violets. You open it up.
To My Dearest Mother, it says. God bless the special and loving moments in our lives that I will forever cherish. You may not have noticed, but I am a faggy punk trannyboy.
See! That wouldn't work too well! And this is exactly why the world needs Trannyboy Greeting Cards.
This brilliant endeavor by "raysoltis at aol dot com and eliaspunch at yahoo dot com" is dedicated to providing high-quality, e-mailable greeting cards suitable for occasions such as "Coming Out," "Using the Men's Room," or "Surgery" free of charge.
The artwork ranges in emotional tenor from a darling, almost Peanuts-esque boi peeking down his pants, to a stark black-and-white rendition of a hand holding a syringe. Some carry text ("Can I still answer phones for the rape crisis hotline?") while some leave the images to speak for themselves. There is, for instance, a card especially for trannyboys who have been disowned by their families: it features simply a tousle-headed boy with a hobo's stick on his shoulder, and a deeply nuanced expression of unregretful sadness on his cute cartoon face.
The line-up will no doubt be expanded further as the Internet community takes advantage of this new resource. Me, I'm thinking Easter, Kwanzaa, Valentine's Days...
Because I care enough to send the very best.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)