Build Date: Thu Nov 21 08:50:13 2024 UTC
Can you subpoena the elements?
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Seanbaby vs. "Captain Tootsie"
2002-01-06 16:26:54
"Them thar Tootsie Rolls sure put steam inta yer muscles, don't they?" It's time for another round of stupid comic books ads lovingly critiqued by the wise guys at SeanBaby.com.
"Captain Tootsie" has a bad-ass military-issue rifle equipped with an infra-red sniper-scope and a fluorescent eyepiece. But "You don't need a sniperscope to spot the gosh-a-mighty goodness of chewy, chocolaty Tootsie Rolls," he reminds us. And one bad ad is underway.
It seems that a military rifle would come in handy if a killer bear were rampaging through a campground of little girls. But here's how that scenario gets rendered by the artist of the comic book ad.
"Wow! Listen to that excitement!"
"Screech! Eek!"
And so on and so on....
Seanbaby has assembled a new collection of ads so jaw-droppingly bad that it's impossible to resist heckling them. ("I have no idea what Tootsie Rolls have to do with murdering bears," Seanbaby notes.) Though he's famous for de-constructing dozens of 70s ads in which Marvel and DC superheros pimped Hostess Fruit Pies, Seanbaby reminds us of that truly bad comic book advertising transcends the entire comic book universe.
He's discovered another gem where two small children frighten an escaped gorilla with weapons that they earned selling White Cloverine-brand Salve. They weren't plastic weapons, one Pigdog reader believes. "Dude. It was the seventies.... You actually could get a .22 caliber rifle from selling cloverine salve.
"We live in a different world today...."
Indeed. Another extremely violent ad even features Sam Spade.
If there's one upside to bad comic book advertising, it's this. Besides the thrilling cultural vertigo you get from seeing ads that are hopelessly outdated -- it's also really, really entertaining to watch someone making fun of them.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
