How to Tell You're Not a Webzine

1999-07-24 11:01:55

Nobody agrees on a what a Webzine is, but Mr. Bad gives you the scoop on what a Webzine is not. Clip'n'save this handy chart!

You're not a Webzine if...:

...you bought your domain name.
...you are "pre-IPO."
...you have the phrase "Please see our terms of use" on your home page.
...you have the phrase "a divison of" on your home page.
...you have the phrase "Investor Relations" on your home page.
...you advertise.
...you have a business plan.
...you have a strategic alliance.
...you have a revenue model.
...you have a burn rate.
...you have an exit strategy.
...the thought of being bought by Microsoft makes you wet your pants with joy.
...you have a marketing department.
...you have a tech-support department.
...you have a legal department.
...you have a "casual Friday."
...you would never even CONSIDER having a domain name that wasn't ".com."
...you have anyone on your staff who can't do HTML.
...you have anyone on your staff who doesn't know what CGI means.
...you HAVE anyone on your staff, period.
...you have a feature called "My Gargargar.com."
...you've ever called yourself a "portal."
...you've ever called yourself an "e-commerce site."
...you've ever called yourself a "channel."
...you've ever called yourself e-anything.
...your site name has the word "e-anything" in it.
...your site name has the word "electric" in it.
...your site name has the word "online" in it.
...your site name has the word "auction" in it.
...you've made a profit that you haven't spent on beer.
...you care about making a profit.
...you've ever told tech geeks to do something that you couldn't do perfectly well yourself.
...you've ever told tech geeks to do something that you didn't quite understand.
...you have tech geeks to boss around.
...you think "tech geek" is an insult.
...you wish you had more celebrity names writing for you.
...you have a television show.
...you wish you had television show.
...you have a book deal.
...you wish you had a book deal.
...the only text on your site is "navitorial."
...the only text on your site is written by users or copied from Usenet.
...the first person singular is never used on your site.
...you have your own search engine.
...you're concerned about trying to be more mainstream.
...you're concerned about trying to be more hip.
...you assure people that the Wild West days of the Internet are over.
...you worry that that's not true.
...you worry about market share.
...you worry about competitive advantage.
...you've ever made a PowerPoint presentation about your site.
...you think the Hamster Dance is hilarious and why don't we have stuff like that on OUR site, dammit? Put somebody on that immediately.
...you've considered moving your site to Windows NT.
...you optimize for WebTV.
...you ever stole content from someone SMALLER than you, figuring they could never afford to bust you.
...you've ever signed a contract that wasn't with your ISP.
...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from cutting-and-pasting your content.
...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from printing your pages.
...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from saving your image files.
...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to get your readers' email addresses without them knowing.
...you would be FURIOUS (and maybe consider legal action) if some of your writing ended up in a widely-dispersed email without attribution or copyright notice.
...you see Yahoo! billboards and think, "I wish I'd thought of that."
...you worry about hackers.
...you worry that press about hackers is bad for The Industry.
...you think that content restriction legislation would be good for The Industry.
...you hate Matt Drudge because he gives The Industry a bad name (it's OK to hate him for other reasons).
...you ever use the term "The Industry."
...you LOVED "Net.Gain."
...you read "Upside."
...you read "Red Herring."
...you've been IN "Red Herring."
...you've ever fired anybody.
...you never work on your site at home.
...you don't have a computer at home.
...you would close your site if you knew for certain that it would never make you any money.
...you've ever issued a press release.
...e-mail to "webmaster@yoursite.com" (or "editor@yoursite.com") doesn't go directly to your inbox.
...you print out your e-mail before you read it.
...your administrative assistant prints out your e-mail before you read it.
...you HAVE an administrative assistant, period.
...you've ever changed content because it might offend someone (exception: cease-and-desist orders).
...you've ever changed content to please an advertiser.
...you've ever changed content because it didn't work in the AOL browser.
...you've ever changed content to please an investor.
...you HAVE an investor.
...you worry if your office space is in the wrong part of town.
...you have an office space with cubicles.
...you have an office space with a view.
...you have an office space with glass-walled conference rooms with a cutesy naming scheme.
...you HAVE an office space, period.
...you wouldn't put in a link to a friend's site because "Hey, there's no free lunch."

Over. End of Story. Go home now.

xxxlover@pigdog.org

T O P S T O R I E S

Viva La Musica

America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!

by El Destino

America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)

Viva La Musica

Thunder on The Frontage Road

by Flesh

The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)

Net Flotsam

California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds

by Baron Earl

A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)

Police State Chronicles

Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl

by Baron Earl

Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)

Virus in America

Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die

by Baron Earl

The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)

-tarded

Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff

by Baron Earl

"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)

Reliable, Balanced Entheogen Information

C L A S S I C P I G D O G

SnatcherWorld

Iowa Armageddon

by El Snatcher

Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)

Spocktail of the Week

Grape-Ass Motherpucker

by Mr. Bad

Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)

Spocktail of the Week

Hail the Acadian!

by Lenny Tuberose

The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)

Anarchy

Panic In Portland City

by Flesh

It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)

Weird Science

Light and Time and Bars

by Patient Joab

Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)

Spocktail of the Week

Wine Spockiodi

by Mr. Bad

This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)