Build Date: Thu Jan 30 05:20:33 2025 UTC
It's true people can get away with playing with my head more easily than with most people's. This fact will just have to clunk along.
-- Sylvia
Microsoft's Shitty Software Fucks Up the Entire Goddamn Innernut
2003-01-26 06:33:38
Hey, DUMBASS! Yeah, YOU! The one who's still running MICROSOFT SOFTWARE! I'd like to PERSONALLY THANK YOU for FUCKING THE ENTIRE INTERNET with your SHITTY SQL SERVER that's opened up to the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Thank you SO MUCH for SPEWING COMPRESSED UDP PACKETS of DUMBASS to every IP address on the planet. Way to go, HOTSHOT. I'll have you know that you've made it PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to DOWNLOAD CYBERPORN.
Man, you know what they used to say back in the day: nobody ever got fired for choosing IBM. And I guess some folks nowadays think they can't get fired for choosing Microsoft. MAN, are YOU WRONG.
There's a party going on on the Internet right now, and it's called SQL SLAMMER. The deal is that there's this clever clever little rooty wormy thing that can connect to the Microsoft SQL Server port 1434 or some such shit. Anyways, the little fella just finds himself a Microsoft SQL Server, gets lodged in there like some kind of terrifying shit weevil, and starts SPEWING UDP PACKETS AT EVERY IP ADDRESS THAT EXISTS.
Seriously! This one just starts sending out UDP packets of itself EVERYWHERE. Not a lot of people have SQL Server installed on their computers. Even fewer are DUMB ENOUGH to leave the fucking SQL SERVER PORT AVAILABLE to anyone on the Internet interested in making a query or two. Of course, people who are that dumb are also dumb enough to ignore a Security Advisory that came out several months ago.
These people's stupidity has had the unfortunate result of saturating trunk lines across the entire globe. Entire countries were without Internet access for up to a day. Everyone is running around screaming. Root DNS servers are failing. Roses are wilting on the vine. There is a black cloud over the sun, and I CAN'T DOWNLOAD ANY GODDAMN PORN.
I think there are lots of lessons to learn from this:
- MICROSOFT SUX0RZ.
- People who use Microsoft software SUX0R.
- Monocultures are inherently unhealthy.
- Being a system administrator takes a little more smarts than corporate IT managers seem to think.
- You are all assholes for making my Internet experience that much more difficult.
Finally, I'd like to point out that I CAN'T DOWNLOAD ANY PORN. I'm unlikely to get much cheerier about this issue for the foreseeable future.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
