Build Date: Thu Jan 30 05:20:31 2025 UTC
We need more maniacs.
-- Ratsnatcher
I Hate Everything in the Future Except the Parkway
2000-01-05 16:56:26
I live in the year 2000, and let me tell you, the future SUCKS! I'm hungover all the time, and there are no personal jetpacks as previously promised, and most of my favorite techno artistes haven't made a new music crystal since LONG AGO. The only thing that is worth a CYBERSHIT in the future is the PARKWAY.
The Parkway Theatre in Oakland, Californi-ay is the FUTURE of CINEMAR. It's really superfantastic, and if you live in the Bay Area (now known as Bayareatron 2000) and haven't been to the Parkway you suck dirt. Because it is the super-best!
The concept dealio with the Parkway is this: you know when you go to the movies STONED and all they have to eat are sickening months-old Jujubees and rock-hard Raisinettes? So instead you get a super-jumbo popcorn that tasted like packing peanuts covered with LARD and ROCK SALT? And then you eat so much that you BARF it all up in the disgusting movie bathroom?
Or howabout you sneak in a six-pack of beer in your backpack or purse? And how inconvenient that is, because you can only carry so much beer on your person at one time, and your moochy friends drink all your beers and then you have to watch "You've Got Mail" SOBER? Don't you hate that?
Well the great part about the Parkway is that A) they have delicioso PIZZA for all showings, with many yummy toppings of all flavors and textures, and B) they serve PITCHERS of BEER. That's RIGHT! Oh, wait, there's a couple of more great things: getting in the door is REALLY CHEAP, like FIVE DOLLARS or something, because HELL they figger they'll make it up in beer and pizza. And the other thing is that they have BIG LAZY COUCHES with COFFEE TABLES that you can put your feet up on and unbutton your pants because you ate so much beer and pizza.
It is EXACTLY like watching movies at HOME except instead of having a dinky little 32" Trinitron you have a 1200" silver screen. AND, instead of having to yell at your significant other to bring you more beer, which you may have noticed always makes them kinda cranky, they have OBSEQUIOUS TOADY-LIKE WAITPERSONS who will come bring you pitchers and pizza. I mean, BEAUJOLAIS!
I highly recommend going to the historic Parkway in the fabulous Lake Merritt district of Oakland, CA. Beaujolais to them, and beaujolais to you.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
