Build Date: Thu Jul 10 22:50:46 2025 UTC
It's sort of like Moore's law or something -- every new alpha-geek Linux distribution will have a logo that's twice as lame as the logo for the last alpha-geek distribution.
-- El Snatcher
Night of the Lenin Dead
1999-08-04 09:43:06
Boy, those Russians sure know how to throw a funeral. More than 75 years after his death, the body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, Bolshevik hero of the 1917 Russian Revolution, will finally be removed from the Moscow building where it has lain in state since 1924 and buried.
Of course, this has really ticked off some of the remaining old-timey communists in Boris Yeltsin's New Russia, and talk has turned to how to prevent zealots from stealing the Old Man's body before they can dig a hole and toss it in. Rumor has it that Yeltsin has ordered some of his men to do a "Weekend at Bernie's" thing and dress Lenin up in sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt and weave him through the streets of Moscow, telling everyone who will listen that "our friend seems to have had too much of the vodka."
You'd think Lenin would be really smelly after all these years, but apparently he's fresh as a daisy! Almost, anyway. Russian scientists, working under Communist Party edict, invented super secret embalming technology over the years to keep Lenin together. He almost looks real, except for the fact that he looks like a zombie about to rise out of the grave.
I think it's a good idea to bury Lenin, because I am against Zombie Presidents. But that's just my opinion.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
