Build Date: Mon Aug 17 12:00:13 2026 UTC
Knowing what a bunch of capitalistic swine you guys are, I'd bet you'd rent that guy the inflatable sheep by the hour.
-- Johnnie Royale
Stupid Suck Parodies Stupid Slashdot
1999-12-13 18:06:26
Har har har! I don't know who I hate more -- Stupid Slashdot-dot-org or stupid Suck-dot-com! The cool part is that they hate EACH OTHER! Haw! I'm glad to see them gnawing at one other's THROATS like belligerent DRUNKS at a VEGAS BUFFET!
The deal is that Suck did this kind of lame parody of Slashdot today. I don't love slashdot.org all that much, but I kinda wish Suck'd done a better job. It wasn't all that funny, since it mainly concentrated on the fact that slashdot.org is mostly used by GEEKS and geeks apparently MASTURBATE a lot. Ha! That's a good one. Masturbation jokes: gotta love em.
Still, the ejaculation fascination makes you wonder if perhaps the lady doth protest too much, if you get my drift. I mean, don't those eggheaded fat girls that they draw in the cartoons over at Suck.com look like they're kinda overattached to their pulsating showerheads? Makes ya cogitate a bit, eh? How else to explain the double chins and glazed eyeballs than by late-night Haagen-Dazs-and-Liquid-Silk binges? You can just picture the typical evening: tickle the fuzzy, guiltily watch "Ally McBeal," jiggle the handle some more, wolf down a whole box of dark chocolate Petit Ecoliers, grant an audience to the plastic ambassador, guiltily read last month's "Marie Claire," spank the housecat again, have a good cry, go to bed. Really, I mean, it's kind of obvious if you think about it.
On further reflection, I feel compelled to add that this Joey Anuff guy looks like a professional-grade pud-whacker if I ever saw one, too. That hunched little form and catty style are classic signs of habitual self-abuse. And as we all know, those New-Media turtleneck types take their masturbating quite seriously. They tend to go in for lots of Betty Page and "cutting-edge" Dutch bestiality vids and vintage 70s nudist magazines and Italian child-porn gang-bang photos and that kind of thing. Tasteless but so over-the-top as to be deniable: it all works into a very elaborate irony-and-metairony framework that you'd understand if you worked for Suck. Which you don't. Unless maybe. If so, Hi!
And MAN, don't even get me started on Carl "Leather Pants" Steadman. I mean, FUCKING GROSS. I wish I hadn't even brought it up, now. Feeling ill. Ugh.
Anyways, I don't want folks to take me the wrong way. I'm not trying to get down on masturbators or say that EVERY masturbator is a bad person who works for Suck. Some of my best friends are masturbators, and very few of them work for anyone associated with WIRED digital. I myself slap baloney quite frequently, and you don't see me whoring my ass out to Lycos, do you? No! Obviously not. I'm just saying that by all appearances there seems to be some connection. So, just keep your eyes open is all I'm asking.
All right, so I'm gonna go flog the manatee over some Enlightenment source code. But you should go look at the teeny-tiny squint-o-vision of the Suck Slashdot parody. Har!
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
If you broke into Pigdog's top sekrit headquarters, spying on their mysterious mix of weird science and old-skool geekiness, you'd overhear this conversation: (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
