Build Date: Fri Dec 27 01:20:09 2024 UTC
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
Canadia Is Dreary And Depressing
2000-02-21 03:10:19
People come to me all the time and they say, "Mr. Tjames, Canadia is trying to fight us! They're coming with bombs and guns to take over our American style of freshness!" And I pat them people on the head and I say, "No, no; Canadians aren't evil, and they're not coming down here to put karate all over us. They're just really dull is all. It gets confusing."
And so I show them this site to prove that Canadia is, like, not trying to take us over. And they go "Whoa! Any country this obsessed with procedure and nitpicking would never be able to vote to go to war on us!"
And it's true. Take a look yourself at the "Upheld Complaints against the Canadian Code of Advertising Standards Report" published by Advertising Standards Canada. For a proud Canadiaphobe like myself, this is the Dead Sea Scrolls of our time. We normal people in the USA may be able to learn more about the Nucks just from this one, single report then we could from all the Lorne Greene and William Shatner movie and television appearances ever, combined.
Here's some stuff that Canadians not only got mad about in 1999, but that a national board of inquiry found serious enough to issue sanctions against the offending party:
Case One: The Quebec Government ran an advertisement criticizing the Canadia Federal Budget, by "contrasting the payment transfers to Quebec which, according to the advertiser, were lower than Ontario's." This upset a very dull (and anonymous) Canadian viewer so much that he or she sent a letter to the Ad Standards people, complaining that "advertisement was misleading and deceptive because it failed to include pertinent data." Result: complaint was upheld and Quebec was forced to withdraw the ad.
Case Two: A company called Business Depot aired a commercial which contained a scene of three children riding in the back seat of a car. A viewer complained that the children were "moving in such a way that would not appear to be possible" if seatbelts were being used. The complainant argued that the commercial "encouraged unsafe (and therefore, un-Canadian) behavior." The council agreed, and the offending ad immediately disappeared in a puff of twittery.
Case Three: A food manufacturer aired a commercial which depicted children "engaging in insolent, disrespectful visual and verbal exchanges with their parents." A whopping 23 Grande Hosers wrote to complain that these were BAD CHILDREN, and Canadian society DOES NOT TOLERATE THEM. Result: the advertiser WITHDREW THE COMMERICALS.
Case Four: A cosmetics manufacturer ran a print ad in which "the upper torso of a woman was almost entirely revealed for almost no apparent reason or need." Four complaints. The general gist was "showing nekkid bodies is political uncorrect to wimmen." Result: once again, the advertiser withdrew the offending material.
Aren't you glad you don't live in Canadia? Aren't you glad that HUNDREDS more case accounts JUST LIKE THESE are available in PDF format just by clicking the link down below this paragraph?
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix. (More...)
