Build Date: Thu Jan 30 05:30:37 2025 UTC
For too long our culture has said, "If it feels good, do it." Now America is embracing a new ethic and a new creed: "Let's roll." Let's roll a big fat joint America, and SMOKE IT.
-- President George W. Bush
Canadia, Land of Perverts
2000-01-11 17:56:37
Well, apparently some institute or other has finally proved what I've believed all along: Canadia is a land teeming with disgusting female perverts of every stripe and hue. Is anyone surprised by this?
That's RIGHT, folks! Apparently going to Canadia is a RISK to your SEXUAL and MENTAL well-being. Canadian pervert women in filthy raincoats ROAM the STREETS in packs! They slobber and sniffle, VOYEURIZING and SADOMASOCHIZING and FROTTAGING everyone they meet. It's horrible!
Anyone who's ever met someone from Canadia KNOWS that they are sex-crazed maniacs with little or no sense of morals or remorse. But not until this survey did we realize the extent of the CANADIAN PERVERT MENACE. They are a danger to the world, with their pervert woman army!
There have been several proposals floated to defend against Canadian pervert-ladies. One of my favorite ideas is building an ANTI-PERVERT Wall of Flame along the entire US-Canadia border. If one of those pervert gangs tried to cross onto US soil, they would be fried to a crisp!
Another, more pacifistic idea is to use humongous trebuchets to launch giganta-huge containers of PERVERT PORN over Canadia and into the Arctic Circle. This would bait the pervert hordes away from the US and into the cold frozen tundras, where they could harm no one.
However it happens, the Canadian pervert menace must be thwarted soon. According to this study, yet more Canadian perverts are born every minute, drooling and twitching in their desire to violate all of us. So read this article and write to your Congressional representative.
[Much thanks to Crackmonkey for the Canadian Pervert Lady alert.]
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
