Build Date: Thu Nov 21 14:40:09 2024 UTC
I didn't eat any shit. I slung it back at ya like an angry mandrill.
-- h.r. taffs
Fuck This!
2006-10-02 20:16:34
It was all looking so good. The battle plan was another masterpiece, the minds out there just waiting to be manipulated towards another victory. Subtle pushes here, a few prods there, and voila!--another incompetent Democratic effort crushed on Election Day. Then came those damned teen tarts that serve as pages in Congress.
Who the hell let those fucking tramps in there? Hasn't it been apparent for decades that they are a threat to everyone around them? Those tight little asses in tailored trousers, just SCREAMING FOR A FAT COCK TO FUCK THEM INTO MANHOOD! The injustice! The humanity! The Viagra!
Proving that nearly anyone can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, Dennis Hastert has been prodded into action against the wanna-be pedophile from Florida, Rep. Mark Foley. Or at least the appearance of action, anyway. Following in the fine foosteps of other debacles like the Jack Abramoff affair, Hastert would like to sweep Foley's cock and emails under the elephant dung until after the coming mid-term election. But unlike a Republican hard-on, this case isn't going away in the next fifteen seconds.
Not up to speed on this one? No problem. I can help. Another upstanding Republican does something morally despicable and his bretheren run interference for him so that the party isn't damaged. Foley would have fucked several teenage boys in the mouth, throat, and ass all the live long day (or until the Cialis ran out), as his lurid emails to those same teens clearly demonstrate. These aren't disposable skanks from the easy side of town, either. They're the progeny of doctors, lawyers, stock brokers and other wonderful people who damn well deserve to have their tender twink sons cherry-popped by a pious pretender who's open to screwing anyone at any time under cover of Congressional authority. "I've never seen that dimpled Chad in my life, your honor."
Note to Hastert Team, from the Richard Nixon School of Political Fuck-Ups: the crime is nothing, the coverup is everything. Hastert knew months ago that Foley was trying to plow underage Congressional ass, but did nothing about it. And why should he? Bringing someone like this to justice would be totally out of character for Hastert's generation of Republicans. As would doing the right thing at any time. Hastert can be counted on as a reliable stooge when it comes to duping the American public into backing whatever corporate scam has filled the party's coffers. Apparently, he can't be counted on for a reasonable cover-up, either.
His loss is our gain, folks. The more that Americans see Republicans for what they truly are, the better our chances get at the polls. This one scandal pretty much rolls it all up into one disgusting and repugnant package. Not only was a noxious kiddie prod loose among the Republican ranks, his unctuous filth was allowed to freely continue his predatory ways by a party so bent on political domination that it gave tacit approval of his proposed child molestation. If this is the party of law and order, I'm Howard Cosell.
So rather than take a single Congressman and hang him to validate the new moral backbone of the party, Hastert and Co. have now purchased their tickets aboard the Ignominy Express for the one-way trip to Loserville. With only five weeks to go until voters hit the polls, this kind of shit is hard to wash off. If Democrats take this ammunition and go on the offensive, those wonderful little page boys may have just saved our national ass with their own hot little buns.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)