Build Date: Thu Jul 10 21:30:49 2025 UTC
In a nutshell: We love you. Take some drugs.
-- H. R. Pufenstuf
Dick-Swinging Alex Jones Gets His Pee Pee Wacked
2021-04-09 23:05:07
Noted human pond scum and cowardly little bully, Alex Jones, didn't get the results he was hoping for, in the highest court of the land.
Disgraced conspiracy pusher, cowardly bully, and dripping human anus, Alex Jones, thought that the Supreme Court was going to grant a pass on his rancid spewing of bile regarding his venomous lies about The Sandy Hook Elementary shooting being fake. Jones' felt that his slanderous deceitfulness was protected from lawsuits by Freedom of Speech, and he would be completely protected from consequences.
But he couldn't have been more wrong.
Rumor has it that he sent a $700 gift certificate from Fredricks of Hollywood to Justice Amy Coney Barrett, and first-class plane tickets to a hedonistic resort in Jamaica, along with six caseloads of beer, to Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. There are also unconfirmed reports that Jones was seen at The Dabney, emerging from under the table where Justice Clarence Thomas was dining, and wiping his mouth.
On the morning that the court was to decide if his case was to be heard, reports from spectators state that he was seen on the steps of the court, wearing Ted Nugent's unwashed loin cloth, and a threadbare tricorn hat. He wove an American flag, while taking slugs from a Jack Daniels bottle. On each side of him were two women, wearing what can only be described as being "sexy Trump" costumes. "Today, the Supreme Court will agree to hear, and ultimately side with me, because I have the right as an American to say and do anything I want!" Jones slurred into a battered bullhorn, to a crowd that watched him with the same interest those give a car crash, or a meth addict in a shopping center; most of whom dispersed.
But, much to the dismay and disappointment of both Jones and his lawyer, the highest court in the land refused to hear his appeal, angering Jones, who immediately turned around and urinated on the steps.
Jones promised that this would not be the end, and would take it even higher, to the secret court, located on the grounds of Yale. There was no comment from the Satan-worshiping, lizard Illuminati agents at the time of this writing.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
