Build Date: Thu Jan 30 05:50:41 2025 UTC
Maybe you could drip a little more sarcasm. You would be like the queen in ALIENS, with so much dripping.
-- Ratsnatcher
The Ins and Outs of a Very Sucky 2002
2002-03-17 17:49:24
Ever since the Supreme Court selected our current half-wit President, an ill wind has whipped this noble attempt at self-government, straining our will to persevere and chilling our resolve. Large and very duplicitous forces are conspiring to reduce this nation into a bunch of mindless morons, braindead zombies and marketing whores, incapable of anything more then unquestioning obedience to the dictums of our self-anointed rulers. Don't believe me??? Just look at the Ins and Outs of 2002 and tell me things haven't gone from bleak to horrible lately.
|
Out |
In |
| Big, ugly NYC skyscrapers | Giant pits on Wall Street |
| Crash and burn IPOs | DNA body part matching |
| Annoyingly spunky Internet startups with too much cash and no business plan | Soulless multi-nationals with too much cash and a plan for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION |
| Huge CEO salaries and stock options | Huge CEO salaries and stock options cleverly hidden with accounting tricks |
| Corporate accounting tricks | Better corporate accounting tricks |
| Overt corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy | New improved corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy - now with government approved stealth technology |
| Massive military spending | Even more massive military spending |
| Mutual Assured Destruction | Unilateral Assured Destruction of anyone we don't like, guaranteeing our safety. Unless, of course, they have box cutters |
| Balanced budgets - if you ignore little things like future Social Security obligations | Deficits - plus even bigger Social Security funding problems |
| Lesbian Attorney General that obviously had only glanced at US Constitution, but never really read it | Religious nutcase Attorney General that uses the US Constitution for toilet paper and prefers a nation of laws to a nation of people |
| Happy, Gay Nineties | Dull, Dreary and Depressing Oughts |
| War on Drugs | Never ending War on Terrorism and an even more vicious and never ending War on Drugs |
| A President that pretended to care and at least entertained us with his Oval Office sexual escapades | A President that would prefer all the non-rich, non-white folks to leave the country and last had sex sometime during the Reagan era |
| Lip service paid to personal freedoms | National ID cards |
| Free Speech - sometimes | We can't let the terrorists win — so shut up |
| Displaying the flag | Figuring out how to take the damn flag down without the neighbors noticing |
| Personal Computers that can play any software, music or videos the user wishes | Personal Computers that can only use software, music and videos "approved" by corporations |
| Rainbow colored flags | Rainbow colored terrorist alert stoplights |
| Corporate control of politicians with large cash bribes disguised as soft money campaign contributions | Ultra brief suspension of politician bribing while corporate lawyers look for new loopholes |
| White collar criminals stealing Millions and not going to jail | White collar criminals stealing Billions and not going to jail |
| Decades with catchy sounding nicknames | The Oughties |
| Bloodshed in the Middle East | More bloodshed in the Middle East |
| Americans quite happy not knowing where in the hell Afghanistan was | Americans worried as hell about Afghanistan |
| Remnants of the 1st Amendment | Copyright and Commerce Clauses |
| Suck, Feed, Salon, CNN, CNet, Wired, Slashdot, Plastic, FoxNews... | Pigdog Journal |
At least you still got the Pigdog Journal - fighting the "Good" People of the Present so we can have a future.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
