Build Date: Thu Nov 21 16:00:16 2024 UTC
Man! I didn't even know they _had_ retarded monkey whorehouses. Cool!
-- Mr. Bad
Miles Standish
Pigdog Journal Articles
2002-04-18
Donald Rumsfield has stated that the creation of a military command whose sole mission is to defend American territory will not erode legal limits on using federal troops inside U.S. Borders. Please note that the federal government has an exciting way of using the word "not." Some fun examples: Income tax will be a temporary 2% tax and will *not* remain after it is needed, Social Security Numbers will *not* be used to uniquely identify and track U.S. Citizens, the recently created and disbanded military Department of Lying to the Press will *not* be used to lie to the press, and Census information is confidential and will *not* be handed over to law enforcement agencies for pursuing individuals. Not. I love that word.
2002-04-18
Two terms I've seen recently that have caught my attention: "E-government" and "Identity Theft." It looks like Mark Forman has recently declared that they're considering using Microsoft Passport technology to identify citizens. Why do I find this less than comforting?
2002-04-04
Gianni Golfera has been captured by Italian scientists and is being studied so that the secret to his genetic mind superpowers can be harnessed. Okay, except for the part about capturing.
2002-02-26
In 1969, the Department of Defense, combined with various educational institutions and Al Gore, who was going by his full name "ARPA" at the time, invented the World Wide Web as a way for Bad People of the Future to scream about beer without risk of Communists stealing their thoughts. Then corporate fu><0rs started invoking weird laws like the DMCA, some kind of copyright thing, and anti-defamation laws to shut it all down, First Amendment Bedamned. And it's been working, until Chilling Effects rolled into town.
2002-02-13
The important bit isn't that this guy performed an act of extreme hijacking, by going to the bathroom 5 minutes later than the federal law allows. The important bit isn't that he faces up to 20 years in prison. The important thing is that he's BIZARRO!
2002-01-28
In case the bludgeoning overflow of advertisement hasn't tipped you off, the Harlem Globetrotters are on tour right now. THE UNFORGETTABLE TOUR, which is like THE INVISIBLE MAN or THE PURLOINED LETTER, except that it isn't 19th century genre fiction. But did you know about the special connection between Pigdog and the Harlem Globetrotters?
2001-07-24
Maybe it's from playing Civ for too long, or maybe it's because I'm afraid of ghosts, but I believe that a reverence for the dead is the first cornerstone of a society. So, I must first say that Katherine Graham was ten times the person and ten thousand times the journalist that I am, and that the world is worse for her recent loss. Now, onto the troublemaking.
2001-06-15
Boy, Congress thinks of everything! They added this great section to the recent big-socks education reform bill that protects against discrimination. Specifically, they protect fagbashers from discrimination! Yay! This way, you can have your own anti-homosexual group and be guaranteed your rights!
2001-06-03
The first impression I got of George W. Bush was that his campaign had tried to reserve every single domain name that might sound like a criticism of him. "bushsucks.com" and whatnot all pointed to his campaign stuff. "Here," said I, "is a man who will eventually become outraged at the press and do something scary like that Comidus guy in Gladiator." Only Gladiator wasn't out yet, I think.
2001-05-19
A few days ago I urged you all to go hunt this ape-monster. What have I wrought?
2001-05-15
Cryptozoology gone haywire? Human-chimp interbreeding project gone haywire? Pigdog crew in monkey masks gone a bit too gonzo gone haywire? Ayleens gone haywire? You decide. Well, you don't actually decide, I mean, what you pick won't change anything.
2000-11-09
So, you've probably seen in the conventional news that the Presidential election is incredibly, painfully close, with one state's electoral votes making the whole difference for the free world. You probably bought a newspaper to get more information, and you're probably watching news shows more, and buying their sponsor's products. That's because you're a total sucker.
2000-06-30
Okay, so my first thought about this is that I'm worried that some asshole is going to swipe the President's password and start forging e-signatures on e-bills. I mean, your dog's name? Dumbass. My next concern is that the evil robot AIs use these signatures to take over....
2000-05-05
I am devoted to thwarting any attempts to find out anything about Elettaria Cardamomum. Pokey the Penguin, on the other hand, is just a weird cartoon.
2000-04-14
Hey folks, have a stock you've been looking for? Want to get in on the stock market, but don't think you've got what it takes? Well, if you're thinking of getting in on stocks, get in now, because you won't want to miss this limited opportunity for BARGAIN BASEMENT PRICES on all stocks - including coveted HIGH-TECH STOCKS!
2000-03-10
So, if you knew your language was becoming obsolete, what would you do? If you're the French government, you'd rage, rage against the dying of the light. Also, if you're the French government, can I borrow a few thousand bucks? American currency only. Thanks.
2000-03-10
Normally, when a Pigdog Article contains a factual error, the author is beaten savagely and dropped in a vat of rabid sqrats and no one mentions their name again. So I'm posting a retraction in hopes of living. A Canadian from Canadia told me the truth about Poutine, and he may have just saved my life.
2000-03-07
You lazy no-good cheese-ass piece of shit motherfucker. Did you even fucking register? I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you.
2000-03-07
Okay, I'm lying. But George W. Bush did embarass himself by falling into the satire-trap of a Canadian satirist.
2000-02-09
Looking for a hearty meal anyone would love? Why not ask the people who would know best? Here's a list of menus from people who had one final chance to pick the best dish ever.
2000-02-08
Gene Ray, Cubic, explains it all for you! You see, since there's four midpoints to the day (mid-day, mid-night, sun-up, and sun-down), there are actually four days happening at once. That's right, a simultaneous 4-day time cube! Obviously, this means that god is an evil invention, education induces stupidity, and self-god is lowest human behavior.
2000-02-08
Firecracker-related fatalities are on the rise in China. People want to blow things up to celebrate the Lunar New Year, and don't give a rat's ass about the fact that it's illegal. The result: Dangerous, illegal fireworks in every home! It's Fatalitastic! What a ride! What a trip!
2000-02-08
I think no one would have bothered having a Civil War if they knew that a hundred and fifty years ago, the main cash crop of the South would be massive civil liability. Actually, I'm just babbling.
2000-01-14
Scientists report a HUGE and DESTRUCTIVE BLACK HOLE only 1600 LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH. Okay, you all know what to do in case this black hole comes SCREAMING directly toward your home and family, right?
2000-01-12
The American Astronomical Society, which I've never heard of but it sounds like an impressive name, reported HUGE MONSTER ALIENS located on other stars. Well, um, that is, the Infrared Space Observatory showed that it's pretty easy for organic molecules to form around other stars.
2000-01-10
Okay, I think maybe someone is trying a little too hard with this one, but it's still a cool concept. Someone has implemented a thing for managing process load using Doom. No, really.
2000-01-07
So, this kid is 14 years old and he's like trekking across mountain wasteland, all wounded and fucked up, sneaking past Chinese troops. Maybe he almost fell into a deadly trap with a femme fatale with a heart of poison. I don't know. The point is, he's way cooler and more revolutionary than the Beastie Boys.
2000-01-07
Doesn't it seem spooky that there weren't any millenium cults? I mean, all kinds of crazy people are in the world and still, none of them seemed to do anything apocalyptic. And what about like Europe and Africa where they didn't care about the whole Y2K bug fix thing and left it be. There's all these reassuring news articles that Y2K didn't do much. Why is that? Well, actually, we just didn't want you to flip out.
2000-01-07
Imagine, if you will, that your computer is an extension of yourself, and that, therefore, any information you can access by computer is, in some way, information that's already yours. This means that, now that www.uslaw.com is out, you know law. Which makes you a lawyer. Well, FUCK YOU, LAWYER.
2000-01-07
Salvia Divinorum is something I read about in Details magazine, because the cover had some sort of cheesecake picture on it, then something like "Legal Drugs," and I'm a young male wannabe. Anyway, that's what it is. It's apparently like psilocybin mushrooms, but only lasts a short while, and then you just feel sort of stoned.
1999-12-11
If you care about these things, you already know about www.lyrics.ch and what happened to it. If you don't care about these things, why are you reading this?
1999-12-03
If there's one thing Seattle loves, it's when the whole family gets together and protests the WTO. The mayor has spoken in favor of the protests, albeit prompted by a negative-press bitchslap. The police are now escorting and assisting the rioters. People are now protesting mostly to free the protesters. Has the protest been assimilated back into the normal world? Also, Tjames is wrong.
1999-12-02
The only things I like are paranoid sex and childish greed, so no one loves free trade more than I do. Nonetheless, I think I'm standing on the side of the Communist weirdos on this: the WTO is bad. The protests against them are good.
1999-12-01
Okay, so the protesters include a set of stupid people. The fact is, they've caused serious problems for the WTO with their merry ragamuffin ways, and I say that puts them on the Environmentalist Santa's Nice list. Even the Commies.
1999-11-08
These days, we don't have torch-wielding mobs storm the laboratory. We just let our government make a ruling, subtly hinting that failing to comply will result in the same angry mob. By "we", of course, I mean "Japan". So when this scientist, Setsuo Iwasaki, wants to do an experiment on cell division to research leukemia. But the government says, "Holy shit! This vaguely resembles human cloning!"
1999-11-01
The whole Falun Gong story just really inspires me. I mean it. Here's this religion, that stresses like slow exercise and meditation, and the government is TOTALLY CRACKING DOWN ON IT. I mean, it's like these Falun Gong people do these exercises, and it's SO EFFECTIVE at making people happy and healthy that the OPPRESSIVE CHINESE GOVERNMENT has to ban it to keep people from being healthy enough to shrug off their regime.
1999-08-10
As any maiden-kidnapping, wax-moustache-twiddling blackguard will tell you, the secret to success is removing the powers of those who would be your undoing. Especially when Rocket Boy is involved.
1999-08-03
This is just the coolest thing. The head of security for Woodstock 99 is bragging about how well he'll run things for security, and how cool the fascist security will be.
1999-07-26
Woo hoo! I wasn't there, of course, but people were very angry and revolutionary in a good way at Woodstock, it seems. It was not a Catholic high school production of Hair.
1999-06-26
Check out this porn poem! It's real gross! You'll go "Ewww!" And it's ONLY ON PIGDOG.
Offsite links shared by the author
2002-02-01
2001-08-14
There are two things important to me in life: The d20 Open Gaming License, and Nature's Harmonious Time Cube.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
