Build Date: Sat May 18 10:10:16 2024 UTC
Also, when I was your age, we walked ten miles each way to school in smog as thick as pipe smoke, wearing respirators, through mudslides, while being chased by serial killers. And we LIKED it that way.
-- Tjames Madison
Miss Conduct
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad, she was boomshakalicious.
Pigdog Journal Articles
2003-07-29
Once upon a time I was in a Laundromat with nothing to read. The only literature on the public news rack was the Berkeley Psychic Reader. It featured an article about how bugs in western culture, with the exception of possibly butterflies and ladybugs, get an unfair evil rap, whereas bugs in eastern culture are revered as symbolic icons. The article suggested ways we can access the Grand Message of the Inner Bug God from each creepin’ critter that crawls into our sphere of reference.
2003-07-11
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks.
2003-03-14
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year.
2003-02-28
Few fearless readers realize that the Roots of Pigdog are planted in the Gardens of Self Publishing.
2003-02-04
I bought myself a cell phone for Christmas so that I could send private little text messages back and forth with my boyfriend. Generally I can't stand the idea of being reachable anytime, anywhere, day or night. But who am I to impede the progress of love? So, I knuckled under and took advantage of this great AT&T "Free-2-Go" Wireless and Nokia offer at my local 7-Eleven store. Now, I'm all fired up.
2003-01-24
This thing passed through my inbox today and it got me to thinking: I wonder what would happen if we all forgot to pay our taxes...
2003-01-22
Back in July, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) subpoenaed Verizon Internet Services, Inc. to submit the name of an Internet user who, in one day, downloaded more than 600 songs. On Tuesday, January 21, Judge John D. Bates of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia ordered Verizon to comply with the RIAA subpoena. Cary Sherman of the RIAA says the industry group looks forward to contacting the Verizon subscriber, "so we can let them know that what they are doing is illegal."
2003-01-21
Remember back when Trek Aerospace was going to auction off the SoloTrek XFV on eBay? Well, bidding got up to almost $7 million by the second day. Then, on the third day, the seller ended the bidding early because of an error in the listing.
2003-01-09
It may be a few years late, but your jet pack has finally arrived. The SoloTrek XFV (Exoskeleton Flying Vehicle) strap-on aircraft goes up for auction on eBay tomorrow. Bidding begins at $50,000 but the final sale is expected to exceed $1 million, according to Michael Moshier, chief executive of defense contractor Trek Aerospace. Just ignore that part about how the company is going out of business due to lack of money, a missed milestone and a test-flight accident, and let the bidding begin! There is only one.
2002-08-20
A decade ago the tabloids were splattered with Elvis sightings. It seemed you couldn't order a peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwich anywhere without seeing The King Of Rock And Roll. Now, 25 years after his death, Elvis is alive and well and topping the British singles charts.
2002-06-26
A federal appeals court ruled that kids can't recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States flag in public schools because the phrase "under God" endorses religion. Hell, we don't need it anymore anyways, now that we can see The Flag stuck to the rear window of every God Fearing SUV that roams This Our Great Nation Land That I Love.
2002-05-15
I'm here to talk to you about regrets. You know, those things you wish for the rest of your life that you did or did not do. The things that create Sour Grapes. The things you KNOW would've turned out perfectly the way you wanted them to, but you justify your choices by imagining that not making them would've ruined your life as you know it. I'm lucky. I have only one regret. And it haunts my dreams on a regular basis. Now that I am in love with that show The Osbournes, it's getting worse.
2002-04-23
The woman who helped legitimize porn is gone. Linda Lovelace died from massive trauma and internal injuries suffered after an April 3 automobile accident. Her ex-husband/best friend, Larry Marchiano, and their two adult children were at Denver Health Medical Center when she was taken off life support yesterday. She was 53.
2002-04-21
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to.
2002-03-02
Many kind readers have expressed a curiousity in what, exactly, boomshakalicious means. It is difficult to describe, but I'll try. It is so much more than just a word. It defines a certain Je Ne C'est Quoi or pizazz. It is a feeling, an attitude, a way of life. It's the thing that makes you dance to James Brown.
2002-01-21
It's pronounced El-vii, there are 6 of them: Love Me Tender Elvis, GI Joe Elvis, 60's Rockin Elvis, Charro, 70's Come-Back Elvis, and the poor old Over The Edge Died In The Loo Elvis. But now there is another Elvis. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Extreme Elvis. I've only felt this way once before while watching what appeared to be Snuff Films with a cute bartender giving me the eye. It was a combination of wanting to hurl and being turned on at the same time.
2002-01-21
Miss Conduct reviews Rube Waddell -- show and CD.
2002-01-04
Beaujolais for the pimpin' Christmas year! Despite the complete and utter passing of the holiday season of sharing and caring, Pigdog Journal continues to pump out the essay contest extravaganza winners!
2002-01-03
I had the divine experience of visiting a Strip Club for the first time recently. What the hell have I been waiting for?! It's so obvious people, Strip Clubs are clearly the solution to our Whirled problems. I attended with a small group of friends. But from now on, all my dates will include a visit to the Strip Club. In fact, I think I'll open my own. Not one of those Gentlemen Fake Boobies Bars neither. But one with real, pierced and tattooed bodies. And good beer.
2001-12-27
The War on Terrorism is a success! I witnessed this Anti-Terrorism first hand last weekend on my way to an International Toy Distribution Convention. The Airline Industry Security Measures have virtually wiped out terrorism. There is just one minor drawback, you must fly nude.
2001-12-06
Noble readers. As the holiday season hurls inexorably into the realm of your physical experience, are you at a loss for a meaningful way to contribute to the Greater Good? Well look no further. Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) needs you. Consider gifting a donation in the name of your neighbor or your beloved. Your generous contribution will not only fill your soul with the true Holiday Spirit, it will aid in essential research on the healing potentials of psychedelics and marijuana.
2001-10-16
Have you ever sat around a campfire enjoying some edifying cock talk with a couple of friends when someone starts to eavesdrop? You look in their direction and notice they are interested in your conversation. Decorum dictates that you introduce yourself and your friends. Next thing you know this social interloper is beckoning you with a beleaguered "What did they say?" at each conversational volley. "They said PROSTATE," you bellow. The stranger decides that paying attention to the conversation at large is too laborious, so they focus on you. And there is no better ice breaker in their arsenal than the question, "So what are you: gay, straight or bi?"
2001-10-05
It is no mystery to many of you that I have an irrational little crush on Chicken John. He tickles my freak zone something fierce. He is the ultimate freak magnet. He inspires me. He is a gawdam GENIUS! Anyone who can coax a frat boy on stage to flaunt his third nipple HAS to be.
2001-09-25
Hello, my name is Miss Conduct and I've been very, very bad. A terribly sick and disturbed part of me gets really excited when skyscrapers fall. It makes me feel dirty.
2001-09-25
You know how when you're at an exceptionally freaktastic party out in the middle of nowhere. You're having a really great time. You're shouting, you're laughing, you're rocking. Then some Smut Weasel starts to mook off your vibe. He slips his arm over your shoulder and begins to rub. And even though your friend, his Significant Other, has introduced you eleventy-million times he says, "Hello, I don't believe we've met. My name is Smut Weasel. Wanna get freaky?"
Offsite links shared by the author
2003-07-09
Hulk's Bulk Makes Mom Sulk!
2003-04-26
What the world needs now is love.
2003-04-14
Nokia still hasn't sent me my refund, and now I find out I can only get THIS in Europe. Damn those damn Nokia f***ers!
2003-03-15
Action heroes for modern times.
2003-03-14
Beastie Boys Given it Away for Peace
2003-03-14
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
2003-02-06
A picture IS worth a thousand words.
2003-01-28
"No! Bad Cockmonkey."
2003-01-28
This would explain just about everything.
2003-01-23
Boozing Rule #33: The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
2003-01-15
A moon soon for everyone.
2003-01-15
You know? There just doesn't seem to be enough Internet panhandling.
2002-12-27
Barbie can be sexy, but she and her friends can't actually HAVE sex.
2002-12-24
Barbie finally revealed as her true tramp self.
2002-12-20
Those Crazy Cloning Canadians!
2002-12-18
I still can't decide if I'm proud or ashamed that I personally know each and every one of these people.
2002-12-17
2002-12-17
When good buildings go bad. (flash)
2002-11-16
From black man to white woman.
2002-10-10
Meaning of the word 'tart'
2002-10-08
MoSex opens its doors.
2002-10-01
Viking Kittens: hilariously ridiculous. (Flash)
2002-07-29
Coolio new game from George Pucas coming out this Spring. Check it out!
2002-07-27
2002-07-24
Experience the healing benefits of a glacier fresh cool-down spa treatment for that most deserving of body parts - your butt!
2002-07-22
New Micro$oft Ad
2002-06-17
Use your ass wisely.
2002-05-28
Personal site shines with subtle brilliance. '...The dancer then, both asks and answers the same question: Who is your daddy?.....I am your Daddy.'
2002-05-20
Get feedback on your half-baked plan.
2002-05-07
Wanna play with my doll?
2002-04-27
Liquor pops anyone?
2002-04-26
So, you think you know how to mack? Think again.
2002-03-19
'Here at ShitBegone, I know your ass is important.'
2002-03-09
Two cans of shaving cream can fill a car. Who knew?
2002-03-08
I've been wanting to do this for such a long time!
2002-03-05
Lend a hand in feral feline population control.
2002-03-02
Stop and smell the goddamn roses, people!
2002-02-27
Inebriated lad losses battle with giant wad of dough.
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
You need to make a fruity tropical drink and you have no recipe? Here's a mix recently tested by Pigdog's crack bevertology team that's made with ingredients available from most any grocery store. It tastes sweet, fruity, and is perfect for guzzling on the last hot days of summer. (More...)
