Tjames: The Senseless Violence was all my fault!

P a u l Guth wrote:
>
> At 4:46 PM -0700 9/5/97, evangelo@pigdog.org wrote:
>
> >We had no beer, so I went up to get some pitchers.  As I was in there,
> >Tjames came up to the bar.
> >
> >"Splicer and Arkuat just got in a big fight."
> >
> >"What?!"
>
> That's IT!?!?!?!
>
> I read that whole fucking thing, and I *still* don't get the scoop on the
> vie-oh-lence?

Okay.  I started it, so I should explain it.

Arkie was walking back outside from the bar.  We were all standing up at
this point, about five feet from the table, and everyone was gibbering
and doing little jigs and I don't really know why.  It was just the
mood, man.  So I called Arkie over and he sauntered my way with a big
"nope, no trouble a-happenin'" grin on his phiz, and when he got right
up to me I cocked my arm back and punched him in the stomach.

I can't say for sure what made me punch him in the stomach.  Binky and
MAJ cheered.  Arkuat went "OOF" just like in cartoons and doubled over,
but was instantly upright again and started throwing karate kicks at
me.  He kicked me in my head, stomach and nuts, but none of the kicks
were very hard.

Then he stalked around the table.  I had instantly transformed Happy
Drunk Arkie into Angry Drunk Arkie.  I felt bad, but I kept laughing,
because I was also drunk, and it was really quite funny to me.

Then me and Arkie sat down across from each other.  Someone suggested we
should arm wrestle, but that didn't sound like a good idea.  I
apologized for the sucker punch, and then Arkie picked up a green bean
from somebody's Bloody Mary off the table and insisted "you must eat
this green bean of friendship before I forgive you!"  I shook my head
vigorously, because while I generally hate vegetables, I *really* hate
green beans.  Worse than Sauerkraut, even.  Arkie chomped a piece off
the green bean: "Here, I will take the first bite; you must eat the
Green Bean of Atonement now."  I shook my head again; neither of us was
going to budge - he had the fucking thing in my face and the green
beanish smell was making me sick.

Arkie began to chant: "EAT THE GREEN BEAN!  EAT THE GREEN BEAN!"
Splicer joined in.  Splicer just appeared out of nowhere, actually.
Then Splicer said, "I'll try reverse psychology - DON'T eat the green
bean, Tjames!"  Arkuat took umbrage at this, as he apparently believed
Splicer was trying to sabotage his plot.  When Arkuat began to argue
about the use of reverse psychology tactics in this case with Splicer, I
took the opportunity to snatch the bean out of Arkie's hand and fling it
against the wall.  This really set Arkie off, because he started blaming
Splicer for me not eating the green bean.

So they started yelling at each other.  Arkie: "YOU RUINED MY PRANK!"
Splicer: "FUCK YOU, WHAT KIND OF PRANK WAS THAT?" Arkie: "YOU'RE JUST
TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIIIIIIFFE!" Splicer: "FUCK *YOU*!  YOU CAN'T EVEN
CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE!"  And so on it went.  Everyone thought it was a
big joke, but they were yelling louder and louder, and everyone in the
bar was watching them yell at each other.  Finally the bartender had to
come out and tell them to calm down.  I don't know if he told Arkie he
had been tossed out at this point or what, but apparently he thought he
had been, because he split out of there at high speeds before anyone
knew what had happened.  Splicer looked stunned, like a Cabbage Patch
Doll had just hit him in the face with a mallet.

Arkie tried to come back in, at my urging, but the female bartender came
up and looked at him and said, "You're out!" like an umpire.  Then Arkie
stalked around for a while more while Binky and MAJ hustled to follow
him, and then they were gone into the night, while the rest of us
confusedly went back to the table and tried to understand what had just
happened.

The end.