And a Hedgehog Shall Lead Them...?

A concerned Pigdog reader writes, “Is there any porn video out there that doesn’t have Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy  in it? What the hell? Does he have a list of what movies are being made that day, and then just ‘show up’ on the set in case one of the actors dies?”

To be honest, Splinky, we have also been known to fret metaphysically over the preponderance of Ron in our everyday lives. We even sent out a gofer to try to rent a Ron-free flick, figuring that no way could The Hedgehog slink his way into “Afro Erotica 33”, but were quickly astounded to verify the truth of your claim.  In fact, it’s quite possible that Ron and the porn industry form a sort of symbiotic relationship — without one, would the other collapse?  Is there a sort of specific call for the hirsute in the subconscious of the Red-Blooded American Male, or are we just being jacked around (no pun) by sleazy producers looking to make a fast buck?  “Hey, Ron works cheap, get him.”  We can only imagine, frankly, what incriminating wonders lie within the crusty pages of Ron Jeremy’s photo album.

What does it say about the credibility of our porn industry when a movie entitled “Nothing but Girls Girls Girls” features a prominent (pun) appearance by the Hedgehog.  We have to be candid — Ron is the ugliest girl we’ve ever seen.  From the box copy: Who knows a woman's body better than a woman?  Well, RON JEREMY does, apparently.

“Every single person on the planet should be issued at least five stickers,” continues our correspondent. “They would be day-glow orange with The Hedgehog's face on it. Around the edge would be the words ‘Ron Jeremy Alert’. Any video with  either Ron Jeremy starring in, or  ‘just happened to be on the set at the time’ roles would get these stickers slapped (on) so that no human being could miss it.”

Rest assured, Concerned Pigdog Reader, we’ve sensed your distress and agree that something — anything — needs to be done.  In the name of fair play, and above all personal mental hygiene, Pigdog hereby presents a proposed Hedgehog Rating Scale, suitable for use on all the finest porn video boxes.  For god’s sake, producers — slap these puppies on.

The Ron Jeremy Hedgehog Rating System